Marriage

(Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives by Hawkins, Dollahite & Draper (2012); Ch 3 - Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage by Duncan & Zasukha)

Most people look forward to finding a companion to share the rest of their lives with. They imagine that person will be someone that will love them, encourage them, help them to become better and eventually have children with. With so much divorce and unhappy marriages it is not hard to see why many couples are choosing not to marry. Many are opting to live together and leave that door open, should their feelings change and one of them wants to leave. However, what they don’t realize is that the deepest kinds of emotional connection and happiness in marriage comes when  two people are committed to that relationship and are willing to sacrifice and work through the difficult times that come in every relationship. By following some simple guidelines, every couple can look forward to a happy, successful and long marriage.

There are a number of things that a couple can do to  strengthen their marriage. In the proclamation it states, “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other”. That means that you will not knowingly do anything that would harm your spouse, emotionally or physically. There are a number of things that couples can do during the day to show love and care for their spouse.

1.   When your spouse is hinting for attention, respond to it. Take 10 minutes away from whatever you are doing and give your spouse your undivided attention. Let them know that you care and you want to understand.

2.   You should spend time together every day, even if it is doing chores together, like making dinner, or folding laundry. A date doesn’t have to be out to a restaurant, it can be a simple trip to the grocery store for a few items.

3.   End the day with ‘pillow talk’. Make a tradition of re-uniting at the end of the day to see how things went and to listen and validate each other.

4.   Find something special or out of the ordinary to do for your spouse every day that would communicate affection and appreciation. It could be a random call to see how they are doing during the day, or just taking them in your arms and letting them know how much you appreciate them.

5.   Evaluate how you are doing as a couple connecting with one another.  Allow each other to be honest when enhancements need to be made.

One of the things that you will want to learn from your spouse is what their love preferences are. Some researchers suggest that couples build a “love map” for each other.  A “love map” for your spouse would include their likes, dislikes, dreams, fears, frustrations and worries. When you have a mental love map for your spouse it becomes very easy to “do” the things that you know they like and “don’t do” the things that you know will upset them. 

In a marriage, the process of sharing decision-making power with your spouse is referred to in some scholarly literature as ‘accepting influence’. This refers to counseling with and listening to your spouse, respecting and considering each other’s opinions.  Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, “Husbands and wife, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.” For some this will come naturally, but others will have to work at it.

 A marriage is like a garden, it needs to be fed! President James E. Faust taught, “In the enriching of marriage, the big things are the little things. There must be constant appreciation for each other and thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.”

 

 

 

Marital Sexuality

(Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, Hawkins, Dollahite, Draper. Ch. 5, Marital Sexuality and Fertility, Harper & Feinauer)

The physical union and intimacy between husband and wife can be the tie that unites a couple as one and it can also divide a couple as their needs and desires are often not in sync. It is helpful for a couple to understand that marital sexuality serves more purposes than just pleasure and procreation.

Becoming one. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland described the sexual union as “a welding…in matrimony…a physical blending (symbolic of a) larger, more complete union of eternal purpose and promise…a symbol of total union…of their hearts, their hopes, their lives, their love, their family, their future, their everything.”  When a couple comes together as one, symbolically unifying their purpose in marriage, it can greatly deepen the marital bond between husband and wife.

Connection with God. Elder Holland described this purpose as well. “Sexual intimacy is…symbolic of a union between mortals and deity…no other divine privilege is so routinely given to us all – women or men…than the miraculous and majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of procreation.” Certainly, there is nothing that binds a husband and wife together as powerfully as the creation of offspring and the joys of becoming a parent.

Strengthening bonds. Intimacy and sexual relations in marriage are a way of expressing love for your spouse. Spencer W. Kimball taught, “There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality itself, for by that means men and women join…in an expression of love.” As couples desire and learn to please and satisfy each other, the marriage becomes more satisfying for both.

Precreation: Our first parents, Adam and Eve, were commanded “to multiply and replenish the earth”. The ability to bear children, is the bridge between our ancestors and our progenitors. Spencer W. Kimball taught, “The union of the sexes, husband and wife, is for the principle purpose of bringing children into the world.” 

It is not uncommon for couples to experience challenges in the marriage when they are not at the same level in terms of desire, arousal or satisfaction. There is always one partner with a high desire and one partner with a low desire. It can be very draining on the marriage when there is one partner that does all the initiating and another partner that does all the accepting or rejecting of advances. When a couple can work together on their emotional closeness by talking together and working toward a mutually acceptable solution, rather than focusing on the needs of one spouse, both the husband and the wife can strengthen their levels of intimacy, bonding and sexual satisfaction.

As a couple seeks to have a balance between all of these divine purposes of intimacy, they will experience more satisfaction in their relationship with each other.

Marriage Equality

(Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives, Hawkins, Dollahite & Drapter (2012); Ch. 4 Equal Partnership between Men and Women in Families, Hudson & Miller)

In the proclamation to the family, it states that “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.” That can be confusing, we do not want to confuse ‘equal’ with ‘the same’.  The Lord created each one of us different and unique and then commanded us to be of “one heart and one mind”. We can have a unity of purpose in a family and an equal responsibility for the success of the family, but each spouse can make a very different contribution depending on their strengths, weaknesses and what works best in your unique relationship.

In some cultures, tradition would have the man dominate, and control all family affairs. Richard G. Scott has confirmed “That is not the way of the Lord. In some places the wife is almost owned by her husband, as if she were another of his personal possessions. That is a cruel, mistaken vision of marriage encouraged by Lucifer that every priesthood holder must reject.”Honor the Priesthood and Use it Well On the contrary, President Howard W. Hunter said: “The Lord intended that the wife be…a companion equal and necessary in full partnership…For the man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion.” Being a Righteous Husband and Father President Boyd K. Packer has also confirmed, “There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not (the husbands) equal obligation.” Likewise, women assist their husbands, directly and indirectly, with the burdens of supporting a family.

Research has shown that both spouses will be happier in an equal relationship. When one of the spouses feel that they lack influence or don’t have a voice, they are much more likely to experience depression. Equal partners are also better parents because they work as a team and they have a united front when disciplining.