(Successful Marriages and Families Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives by Hawkins, Dollahite & Draper (2012); Ch 3 - Foundational Processes for an Enduring, Healthy Marriage by Duncan & Zasukha)
Most people look forward to finding a companion to share the rest of their lives with. They imagine that person will be someone that will love them, encourage them, help them to become better and eventually have children with. With so much divorce and unhappy marriages it is not hard to see why many couples are choosing not to marry. Many are opting to live together and leave that door open, should their feelings change and one of them wants to leave. However, what they don’t realize is that the deepest kinds of emotional connection and happiness in marriage comes when two people are committed to that relationship and are willing to sacrifice and work through the difficult times that come in every relationship. By following some simple guidelines, every couple can look forward to a happy, successful and long marriage.
There are a number of things that a couple can do to strengthen their marriage. In the proclamation it states, “Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other”. That means that you will not knowingly do anything that would harm your spouse, emotionally or physically. There are a number of things that couples can do during the day to show love and care for their spouse.
1. When your spouse is hinting for attention, respond to it. Take 10 minutes away from whatever you are doing and give your spouse your undivided attention. Let them know that you care and you want to understand.
2. You should spend time together every day, even if it is doing chores together, like making dinner, or folding laundry. A date doesn’t have to be out to a restaurant, it can be a simple trip to the grocery store for a few items.
3. End the day with ‘pillow talk’. Make a tradition of re-uniting at the end of the day to see how things went and to listen and validate each other.
4. Find something special or out of the ordinary to do for your spouse every day that would communicate affection and appreciation. It could be a random call to see how they are doing during the day, or just taking them in your arms and letting them know how much you appreciate them.
5. Evaluate how you are doing as a couple connecting with one another. Allow each other to be honest when enhancements need to be made.
One of the things that you will want to learn from your spouse is what their love preferences are. Some researchers suggest that couples build a “love map” for each other. A “love map” for your spouse would include their likes, dislikes, dreams, fears, frustrations and worries. When you have a mental love map for your spouse it becomes very easy to “do” the things that you know they like and “don’t do” the things that you know will upset them.
In a marriage, the process of sharing decision-making power with your spouse is referred to in some scholarly literature as ‘accepting influence’. This refers to counseling with and listening to your spouse, respecting and considering each other’s opinions. Elder Russell M. Nelson taught, “Husbands and wife, learn to listen, and listen to learn from one another.” For some this will come naturally, but others will have to work at it.
A marriage is like a garden, it needs to be fed! President James E. Faust taught, “In the enriching of marriage, the big things are the little things. There must be constant appreciation for each other and thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.”